Day to Day Crisis

2012-01-17T17:17:00.000-08:00

I'm here...at the office...and I'm feeling not so good.

Last month I just got my appraisal, and it wasn't good at all. My boss thinks I don't exert effort and I lack team spirit (which is of course against my opinion...). He said he'll be giving me a chance to see if I will change. Crap.

Well, aside from the fact that few little steps more and I'm off this office, there's this small underlying meaning to all this feeling in this crammed office chair, this messed office table, and this air conditioning that smells like mold. This office feels so empty. Recently I felt so invisible and too distant with my co-workers. My boss rarely asks me for something work related, my other workmate now acts serious on me...kind-of-like he fools around with my other workmates and then the other second when he faces me he gives me this poker face, just like nothing happened. I recently felt left behind.

I talked to one of my colleagues, and he knew what my problem is. He's been noticing this awkwardness. He told me things like I always go early out of work, I no longer join them in their drinking sessions, he also said I was so silent (huh?) and the list goes on. I just don't get it. Do I have to do all those stuff? I mean, I have girlfriend that also needs attention...Office is NOT just my life. I also have to rest, and not spend too much...you know. This just blew me away.

Now I'm opting to leave. I was thinking I am to stay longer in this place, it'll just drag me more to a lonely, lonely place called "The Office". It's not that I hate my job. It's just frustrating. All these work...It isn't paying off. 300 dollars a month for this? I'm starting to think.

What to do.
What to do.
What to do?

Overtime at the office...for some reason.

2011-09-06T06:53:00.000-07:00

I'm still here at the office, with my co-workers having our too-late dinner in our styro take out, thanks to the nearby Andok's. We're spending late nights recently to catch up to our proposed construction plan.

And I'm having overtime for some reason...quite sad, actually.

Nasayang Lang Lahat (All Hopes Gone)

2011-02-21T10:36:00.000-08:00

...and no, its not a line from a song. Nor it is a title of a song.

All my efforts boiling down to just nothing?! How disappointing was that! My only desire is to follow my heart, but it looks like my own heart is trying to evade me. Ginawa ko na yung lahat ng alam kong mali, yung masama...I broke someone else's heart just to...break my own heart...?

I have no one to tell about this issue that is just a chunk of a greater issue. But all I can say is, "Sayang." I have forced my efforts to greater heights para magpaka-layo and to be with someone closest to my desire, and yet, siya nang nilapitan ang nagpalayo sa 'kin. Sayang. Sayang talaga.

Now I have to wait for 2 freakin' months living few blocks from her, yet too far, hiding from that bigger issue. Pwede naman kaming magkasama and that was the actual plan, but because of that irritating piece of sh*t, my dreams came crumbling down...nawala na, parang bula.

If anyone thinks its a third party, you're wrong. A third party is a far smaller thing than what am I grieving for. It's an opportunity of a lifetime...all disposed for a guest more important than me (sarcasm bloodily stapled here).

I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do. I had my plan, the only plan. And it's gone.

Helpless

2010-06-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

by Heide Carolino

I struggle and afraid
With this love I'm feeling
It takes too much of me
And I can't get it free

How I wish you never came
But whom can I blame
It's driving me insane
Flowing through all my vein

Never felt like this before
I don't know for sure
How I ended up this way
What else can I say

I'm not yours for the talking
Whatever love may bring
Can't go on resisting
I'm helpless...
Helplessly in love with you.

Paano nga ba ako nakapasa sa board exam?

2010-06-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

I will be talking to my own point of view. To tell you frankly, hindi ako graduate ng isang exclusive and/or expensive university. I have spent 5 1/2 years in college (dahil marami din akong bagsak), and i didn't graduate with flying colors. I'm just a common student, or maybe worse. But I am surprised that I "hit the nail with one swing of the hammer." I'll tell you why.

Well hindi ako against sa mga pamahiin about sa mga board exam (babaliin ang pencil after exams, magsuot ng red, pabless ng mga envelop, lapis, calcu, etc.), pero I didn't actually clung to those beliefs. Eto lang tips ko:

1. Relax. Ang unang panlaban ng isang examinee sa isang stressful exam ay relaxation to help you concentrate.

2. Mag-aral lang kung kelan nasa mood. Don't force yourself to ingest knowledge when you don't want to. Kaya nga niluluwa ni baby yung food nya kase hinde nya gusto. Gusto mo iluwa din ng utak mo yung pinagaralan mo??

3. ...Pero pag nag-aaral na, iwas distractions na. Yan na nga yung "break" mo e, kagatin mo na. Fight any kind of distractions kung palagay mo paparating na yun...kung anuman yun.

4. Avoid cramming. Kelan pa umubra ang short term memory sa long term? You were given 4-5 years of study (kahit babagsakin ka pa during those days). Mabuti nga at nag-college ka para review na lang gagawin mo before the exam. Huwag nang mag-aral the days before exam. It will only develop stress, tension, at puyat.

5. Pray. I advice you to make at least one devotion through the whole review/preparation period, be it Baclaran, St. Jude, Quiapo, or other novena you could go to. Malaking bagay 'to, since it will help you relax na din, and have something (or someone) to confide with, spiritually. I experienced how treacherous my review days were, and this is a good way to have a stable mind. Anti-negative aura din kumbaga.

6. Have a firm mindset. Ako, during my review hindi ko na lang iniisip yung mangyayare pag bumagsak ako. Hindi ko din naman ineexpect na papasa ako. I just always think na this will be a good journey for me, pasa man o bagsak. ( and it was! I learned to be indepedent. Nice!)

Sa board exams, walang magna, suma or cum laude. Lahat pantay-pantay. Equal opportunity para sa lahat. Anyway, lisensya pa lang naman yan, ang totoong success e kapag nagamit mo na talaga yang lisensya mong yan.

To all board exam takers, good luck and remember, "velle est posse!" (literally "To be willing is to be able" that also means "If there's a will, there's a way.")

Songs That Define

2010-02-21T06:38:00.000-08:00

"Move on", they said. I say..."Move where?"

I did what Escape The Fate said to the song "Harder Than You Know"

"So I'll make the call,
and I'll leave today
I'm gonna miss you 'cause i love you baby
Yeah, I'll make the call
I'm leaving today
And leaving always drives me crazy."

I had to leave since she already belongs to someone else. Now I'm asking Rannie Raymudo, "Why Can't It Be".

"Why can't it be the two of us
Why can't we be lovers
Only friends
You came along at a wrong place
At a wrong time
Or was it me?"

She just came unexpectedly, as the first line told me. I really had no intention on loving her, I just fell. And now she's gone. And like Bill Withers said: "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone"

"But ain't no sunshine when she's gone, only darkness everyday.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone,
And this house just ain't no home anytime she goes away."

And it adds more pain whenever I know that she's with him. They'll do what lovers do. We did the same thing before. But imagining her doing it to someone else makes me sick. I hope she also had the same thing in mind and sings like Katy Perry did in "Thinking Of You"

"He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself"

And now I miss her. Like Meja in "I'm Missing You"

"I miss your love, since you've been gone
I find it hard to go on
The summer sky don't mean a thing
I thought I'd always be strong
I got a feeling inside
And it's making my heart cry..."

I told myself I won't cry over some woman, and I thought I will be tough enough. But that just ain't me.

Daniel Bedingfield was right: "Nothing Hurts Like Love". Nothing.

Nothing brings your heart so much pain
And you'll never learn
Till you get burned
Till you're burned by the flame."

So, goodbye my "Almost Lover" as sung by A Fine Frenzy, like this:

"Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be."

P.S.

"So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me"

-David Cook

This Just Ain't Me

2010-02-14T08:02:00.000-08:00

This just ain't me. As in.

I just had my valentine's date to a girl I just met in school. She was simple, yet her personality was...well, kind-of-different. And it was so freakin' lame. So lame that this is yet the worst date I've ever gone into. I wasn't able to hold her hand or kiss her...I can't even go brush into her shoulders without her noticing it (and avoiding it). You know, this really ain't me.

Why?

I already have this kind-of-scenario that everytime I go into dates I can end up kissing the girl, or worse be her boyfriend that quick. I don't know if that is some power or skill that I have. I know I'm not a stud, nor a hunk, not even your boy-next-door type...but somehow I gained knowledge on being "fortunate". But not recently. Everyone reading this will have their eyebrows raised or say I'm just boasting. No. If you are my close friend you just say "Ganyan ka talaga Chad e." (That's you, Chad.) And what happened just ain't the way it used to be.

But you know what? For some reason, something affected the whole situation as to why this went to a "just-ain't-me" disaster (No, no, don't say that I just don't have the power over this woman, since most women are the same in my region.) I just went into a breakup. Yes peeps...breakup. I'm currently a heartbroken and I still can't find a way to get through it. And take note: It's not a breakup. It's called "breakups". Three of them actually.

The first breakup was from my third girl, whe she chose her ex-boyfriend over me (Ain't that sweet? NOT!), second was in my fourth GF, eight months after my third (actually one month after I've really let her gone) when she left me without a trace escaping along with my cellphone and mp4 player, and lastly to my best, yet the worst, girlfriend of all which already has a boyfriend before I even came, which then ended up choosing her original boyfriend than me (Me looking like a "kabit" [number 2, in foreign terms]).

I always had a motto when it comes to relationships that: "Di bale nang sunod-sunod, wag lang sabay-sabay." (It's better to be in succession rather than simultaneous). For me it doesn't matter if it looks like I'm as if I'm just changing my underwear, since my new special someone can heal what's been broken, whoever she is. But it went as if an avalanche, sliding that grows bigger and bigger as it gets closer. Or like a domino placed side by side that when flicked on one side everything crumbles. Everything fell apart. Everyting crashsed so quick I never knew it crashing back to me. I just kept on ignoring my past three breakups but I never really noticed it will take its revenge and eat my whole ego. Burp.

Somebody always had told me to rest my heart for a long time, for I might see what's wrong or I might have the best time for someone. I just keep on ignoring, since I believe in myself that I can do it. Hey, there's nothing wrong in believing in yourself, right? I've just gone overboard, I guess.

That's it.

The Pirate Bay is DOWN!!!

2009-08-24T23:58:00.000-07:00

The Pirate Bay, acclaimed as the "the world's largest BitTorrent tracker" was taken offline August 24, 2009.

Last night I was so busy searching for files around TPB, then after a quick refresh, a warning appeared saying that the site was taking too long to respond. Ouch.

Then after a few minutes red arrows were popping at the corner of my torrent client. Tracker down. Awwww...too bad. Now my DLs started to crawl...poor torrents.

AND AFTER 24 HOURS...THE PIRATE BAY IS BACK. These guys are so tough.

Updated news about this goes here and here.

The Heartbroken Samson (repost)

2009-08-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

First case: A Philistine with no name. He fell in love quickly with the woman and proposed to marry her. Of course, at that time, His parents were against it, since Israelites were against the Philistines. Religion stuff.

Still the wedding continued as planned. The part that really suck in this wedding is the riddle of Samson. There was this riddle that, when answered correctly, Samson will give clothing to each one of the guests. But if not, the people at the wedding will give Samson a clothing from each one of them. Since the guests couldn't afford a clothing, pressure was poured to the wife. Threat was called, just or the freakin' answer. Through persuasive love and love the answer popped out. So thus the 30 pieces of clothing. Samson got mad upon figuring out that the answer came from his "loving" wife. Ouch! You can't just trust her...not even love. But then Samson decided to go back to his wife. But the worst? The lady got married to his bestman! Because they thought Samson got insanely mad with his now ex-wife. Revenge was at call, burning Philistine's hometown. Pretty much, violence hailed left and right.

Then there's Delilah. Samson got the "hots" for this girl, and the heat brought him to his death. Let me tell you why.

For 5,500 pieces of silver, Delilah has to figure out the strength behind the mighty Samson. Again,the Philistines was behind the 5,500 pieces of evil silver. For Delilah, it was quite an easy task. The stupid rather foolish Samson blurted out his deepest secret, with his head blurred by the love of Delilah. He woke up bald, and powerless.

See? He was physically great, perhaps astounding. But he was stupid at love. It was his real weakness, not the hair. But I dont really know..maybe he has this jinx in love..I hope. I hope he wasn't stupid at all. Just a real unfortunate guy. He fell in love two times, expecting to be loved in return. But sadly, He never really got to. Instead, he was cheated, and tricked.

Personally, I felt his pain. He wanted to be loved as much as I do. I wasn't as strong as a hundred men, but love, too, was my weakness. Love blurred my head, blinding me through the darkest side of love. I went beyond the letters L,O,V and E. I was out of line. And I too was tricked. Was cheated. I felt used, I felt abused, and I felt weak. Did Samson felt the same way? Hmmm...I dont know.

But the story didn't end there. Days passed and his hair grew back,as well as his power. He asked God for it. And for the last time he showed his might, pushing the pillars of Philistines' temple, crushing them, including the heartbroken Samson.

I just hope my "hair" also grows back again. To bring back my strength,but now,to love again. I,too,was powerless. I ask God to regain my lost hair..and my lost strength. Not as a revenge,but to bounce back to my lost self. The strength to love again.

OJT's over!

2009-08-13T03:31:00.001-07:00

Finally! My On-The-Job trainings are done! I've finished my 600th hour! Yahoo!

But I owe a great amount of knowledge from my fellas at BATELEC II in Batangas. Keep up the good work guys!

For this, I have dedicated some of my time making these tributes to remember the days...*sigh*
Enjoy!

Click here to watch:

5 Taon na Kami! BATELEC II Area 1's 5th Year Anniversary

Mr. Samuel Costales of BATELEC II

For the rest of my videos, go to my YouTube channel:
Jareim's Channel

Thanks guys. Thanks BATELEC!

Mistaken Identity

2009-08-08T11:21:00.000-07:00

I always have this problem when I "look" at people. It's like a terrible misjudgment especially to those that help me get through my personal problems, specifically my heartaches, and most especially, if that person is a girl.

I just came from a 10-month relationship that eventually brought up to an end around few weeks ago. Well, the breakup was not that terrible nor delightful (Of course, nobody wants a breakup!). It was just...well...neutral, since I already expected it to happen, and I was assisted with this girl I met in my job training course. While I was feeling some sort of...you know...butterflies in the stomach, can't eat can't sleep dilemma...I was already seeking emotional help from this friend of mine. I must admit, she wasn't very attractive and my mom had quite a lot to debate about her. Nonetheless, she was so kind and compassionate, ready to listen whatever my mouth was blurting out.

So points were moving on, one time I was crying to her about my feelings having regrets about my loss. She was there, listening, sharing her thoughts, blending with my thoughts....she gave me that good mood and...I began to start to like her.

"Hold up a minute!", I said to myself. I just came from a breakup and now I'm here getting linked to another girl? What the hell was that? The girl was just trying to be nice, shaving off the weight upon my shoulders, and having mistaken her for some admirer of some sort. Better hit the brakes or in this case pull the handbrakes as well. We're way too fast!

Mistaken identity. Not that part during puberty where someone's having problems with his/her identity (oh! that's identity crisis...ooopps! Never mind.)

Well I've already told her about my feelings...and..well, she needs a little more convincing and I'm running out of it. She doesn't believe it at first, since she looks only at it as if I were kidding, getting mind off things blah blah...but then she got it. She told me that I just saw comfort in her and probably just got infatuated, and pretty much that's it. I couldn't disagree more. I even told her to slap me in the face if I attempted to tell her that again.

I always pray that I hope someone could catch me everytime I fall (and I mean falling off to the worse side). Maybe I didn't really got what my prayer meant: I hope someone could catch me everytime I fall -- and guide me out of the treacherous environment -- not catch me and fall in love with that catcher.

It's nice to be back!

2009-02-06T16:15:00.000-08:00

After a thousand years...(actually, just around a year) after a long silence...

I'm back!

I'll be bloggin' again some things out of the box..

Catch ya around!

Cheers for the newborn

2008-05-10T07:24:00.000-07:00

I had a news that my ex-girlfriend just had her baby at around this time, May 10,2008 (at no exact time).

Well, congratulations to you and your family. And may God bless you.
(I'm not being sarcastic, ok?)

And I throughly believe that THAT IS NOT MY CHILD. We got seperated May, and we never met ever since. (*And I think she got pregnant around September...I think...)

I wonder what's the child's name? Did she became true her word?
(Well actually we had this "agreement" after we got seperated that as a "pampalubag-loob" for me, she would name her child as Francesca Ysabel if it's a girl and Francis Benedict if it's a boy.)

I wonder...hmmm...

And then she asked...

2008-05-09T07:28:00.000-07:00

It's written "txt style", and here it is:

"..wat if may girl na dumtng at nagmka awang mahaln moh xa..weh nagkkalabuan tau.,ta2nggpn moh b xa?ung 22o.?

I mean like...whoa?! Is this a test? Sa isip ko, malamang nga tinetest nga ako nito. I replied, I said:

"Ur like askng me kng "tanga k b?" hehe..of course not. Kahit magmakaawa p ca (khit mghubad pa) kung tau p rin nmn, i won't..."

And so many guys will react "Ang martyr mo naman bro!" And even worse, "Ang bobo mo naman bro!" hahaha! Whatever they say. That's love, my friends. The very essence of a man is love. And it's up to him to take care of that "love", or misuse it. But I think I've been through his test...I think. In a different scenario, or different approach, but same effect.

We've been through several breakups (and when I say "several", I mean countless several times!), and of course, I'm a man. I have this "need" of the opposite...I was even thinking of a "girlfriend-material" just to drive away my sadness. No. Nothing happened, or somethng like what I'm saying. I tried to find somebody else, but I'm losing my drive to do it. I feel so stuck...because love is still there, in the corner, sitting, waiting to be called once again for yet another journey. As much as I want to (and as much as these girls are inerested and interesting), There's like this noose in my neck that chokes me whenever I try to get farther. I can't. I really can't.

Really, life is a test. I don't know if I pass every test I encounter, but I can tell, every test I endured. I almost lost my mind, even my life because of these "tests". And I could say that the person involved in this test was not hurt, because I can't. And I wont.

Is this girl "for real"?

2008-05-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

Do you know?!

Today is our 8th monthsary and IT IS VERY DISSAPOINTING!!!

Supposed to be magkikita kami today, e since sinundo sya ng mom nya (papunta sa house ng mom nya) Ayun, hinde na kami nagkita this day. It was supposed to be a surprise so I didn't had the chance to arrange our meeting.

And alam nyo ba? Na nung umaga pa lang this day may pinuntahan pa sya. Kasama daw nya ang kanyang "kasamahan sa KBPS" (karate-do team/group) for "i-don't-know-what-the-hell-is-she-doing-there" reason. Sa house lang daw nung "kasamahan nya sa KBPS" for no clear reason bakit sya nagpunta dun...

Habang the night before this disastrous day happened inaya ko na syang lumabas for some small date (since mothsary nga namin) at di sya pumayag, at talagang nagpaka-ayaw ayaw, for she said "no why's" as to why ayaw nyang lumabas kami, and her alibi was she was taking care her little sister since ate daw sya (and you see, may pinuntahan sya and that does not include her little sister in that wherever place she has gone to.)

I feel like ayaw nya kong ma-involve to any of her things she has been doing, and I dont feel any of her interest to me since most of the time ayaw nya akong kasama..like for one time...she has this friend na may debut. Kung di pa sya pipilitin ng cousin nya at ng lola nya di sya papayag na sumama ako sa birthday ng friend nya. And several times ayaw nya akong sasama sa kung saan sya pupunta, like yung simpleng lakad lang sa palengke to do some things na inutos ng lola nya. Nagtatalo pa kami sa daan as to why ako sumama pa, bakit pa ko namilit, bakit ayaw nya...ganito ganyan...

OH MY GOD!!! Nakakasakit ng dibdib....

Is this girl seroius enough for me? If she is (like she always say, that I don't really believe) then why doesn't she want me to go to where she goes? Why does she stop me from joining her in her "exploration"? Why is she making alibis of some sort? She often enjoys the companion of her friends, but is it seldom in me?

Is she hiding things from me?

Does she really love me? At all???

Holding On

2008-04-29T04:30:00.001-07:00

Here's the gist:

My ex-girlfriend and I got back together recently, but the problem is our moms are holding us down.

In my girlfriend's side, her mom told her to stop having a boyfriend, which is of course uneasy on her (and me) now that we got back together. It'll look like we'll be hiding for quite a time until we have the right time to reveal what's beneath. But on my side, I just told my mom about it. Guess what?! War, it is. My mom hasn't spoken to me for while ever since I've told her that we're back for good. She told me,

"Wala ka nang dignidad sa sarili mo!"

for she doen't believe that we're back "for good". She holds this in her mind that I'll be crying once again because of that girl, and my depression will sink in on me again. She was doubtful about our relationship in the past. And she's more doubtful now that we're back. BUT what the heck. I'm not getting rebellious or anything. I'm 23, and I'm too old for these things. Too bad I'm still in college that's why I'm still in their judgement on what should I do or what should I have.

My girlriend was crying when she text me about what her mom said. The same time me and my mom was arguing. What the hell. What's going on? Should we stay or should we go? (But I'll stay..for good.).

But my girlfriend inspired me by what she told me,

".,ok hon.,i wont let you down i promise..bsta pki intdhn lng poh situation q hah.,ds tym magttgl na tau.,"

excatly what's in the message. I know (and you might know) why this "restriction" is going on with us. We had several breakups, our moms saw us how we cried so much about these things...yeah I know, they don't want us to get hurt. But I believe,

"One of man's greatest fear is to feel pain. But we must face our fears to gain courage. So I believe we must face and feel this pain to free us from this fear."

End of story. No but's, no if's.

What Happened?

2008-04-23T11:29:00.000-07:00

Anu na ba nangyari recently?!

Ayun...di ako nka-enroll this summer. Di kasi kami umabot sa enrollment period e. Kulang sa budget e. Delayed. Parang napahiya ako sa mga ka-Bro at Sis ko sa Singles for Christ.

Ang kwento ko kasi sa kanila, God's blessing...ayun makakaenrol ako tapos another good news pa e nagkabalikan kami ng ex ko. All came crumbling down. (T_T)

What happened!?

I don't know...I know it was a God's blessing..for a minute...then it became God's will. Gusto nya sigurong mangyari na di muna ko makapasok this summer....and malamang gusto nya siguro na magkaproblema (and worse...magkahiwalay) kami ng ex ko na naging GF ko ulet (na baka ex ko na ulet).

What happened?!

I've been asking this three times on the same page, but deeply, this question has been recurring in me for days. What the hell happened?! (Four times, kasama na ang impyerno..hehehe)

I am hoping that I could get back to school in June. But I'm not yet thinking of my ex. She's a pain in the ass. COME WHAT MAY.

[edit] Oooops...but I still love my girl. Of course. Everyone's got a pain in the ass once in a while we must admit. C'mon...but at least I'm not yet looking for another. Walang kapalit, eka nga. She's still the one (I think I heard Shania Twain in the background...anyway...). And I still do love her. I just can't figure out who's wrong...me? she?

New hope

2008-04-07T01:43:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy with my school recently, and I already forgot about posting here...

Well anyway...

I just joined a religious group, it's called "Singles for Christ". Well it's not that new for me, since my cousins already joined this group and several related groups. How did I got there?

I just broke up with my girlfriend. She fired me for being the worst boyfriend ever (sounds like a job *sigh*) according to her. So depression sat in. I was too sad, even to mention her name was depressing enough. But since this is my second time losing a special person in my life (or what they called "God's gift"), I don't want to end up destroying myself. I seek for help, and then a good friend of mine came in. I blurted out all of my sadness to her, and fortunately she listened to every word that I said. She then adviced, "Maybe God can help us out." So she invited me to join in this organization. I fell obliged to join in return to her help, so I came in.

Well, to speak frankly, i felt quite awkward at first. I was quite skeptical on how God could help me with this "love life" thing.

First day: Orientation. We practiced some religious songs, some of which are familiar. Then a little talk, and a preview of what could we encounter on the next 12 weeks. In my view, it's kind of new to me to join a religious organization...to sing about God more than the usual, praying more than the usual...etc.

But at least. I'm in the light. Quite.

I'm in the verge of trying something unfamiliar and solving what has to be solved. Like a unknown antidote to cure the poison in my body. I hope this is my new hope.

Word for the day: Dominance

2008-01-22T01:46:00.000-08:00

Dominance (Do-mee-nans)

1. The state of being dominant; of prime importance; supremacy.
2. Being in a position of power, authority or ascendancy over others.
3. The superior development or preference for one side of the body or of one of a pair of organs; such as being right-handed.
4. The property of a gene such that it supresses the expression of its allele.

My mom and dad had a verbal fight few minutes ago, and it partly focused on being dominant in the house. Dad said it is he that should give the last call for all of the decisions in the house. My mom never disagree about it. And I wouldn't, for it was in favor on my side (for I would be a father someday).

Then in the midst of their argument, in the corner of my mind I walked and asked, since I'm a man, have I had my own part of dominance in our relationship? My dad blurted out to me (like he's reading my mind):

"'Wag Kang papayag na hahawakan ka lang sa ilong nyan at kakaladkarin ka lang kung saan nya gusto! Girlfriend mo pa lang yan!"

He, too, had the idea of what was going on with our relationship. And I found out, "Yeah...that's what's happening to me recently." It's like its always her last call, her last decision. It was seldom that I decide what is best for us. She always tells me what to do, not me telling her what she needs to do.

For example, our several break-ups. With the majority of our break-ups, She was the one who dumped me, and it was only once that I "thrown the towel" [in boxing, when the player's coach throws his white towel, it means they side surrenders. Got it?]And most of the time, she always asks favors that I can't disagree, that I really want to disagree on, but I can't since she's more dominant. And it goes more of like a command rather than a favor:

"Di ka pwedeng sumama!"
"Wag kang dikit ng dikit!"
"Ayoko..."

And the list goes on. The male ego perhaps. But I want to emphasize that ego's no longer an issue here. It's merely the essence of a two-way-relationship. The give and take. The share and receive. I just hope she realizes how much i needed to be heard, and perhaps to be "dominant" BUT TO NO ABUSE.

[But actually, I don't want any dominance flying around us. I just hope my decisions are respected, the way I respect hers.]

Keep the ball rolling, the wheel spinning, and fire burning

2008-01-20T07:19:00.000-08:00

Frankly, she was sweeter, and she went more concern [to me] than she was before. She quite changed for the good. I hope this lasts for good.

Well, we just figured out that we just had a little problem and we just need to keep the ball rolling, the wheel spinning, and fire burning. Its not that late for a new beginning, right?

So I'm against the song by Fra Lippo Lippi's "Later", running like this:

It's too late to start pretending
It's too late for a new beginning
Later than the sunset
Later than the rain
Later than never
To love you again

She was singing this on our way home last night, and it made me think about the lyrics.

Well, its not that late for anything, right. As long as we're still alive, nothing is too late. Even late submitted projects aren't that late until you've finished your course (or until you find yourself..um..well...dead).

But it had a positive output though...from the line:

Later than never
To love you again

It shows that its not the end of things YET. It's like its better to love you later that not to love you at all. Again. She was perhaps singing this to me, for obvious reasons, while clasping her arms in my left arm, cuddling a bit that brings that "kilig" factor somehow.

I must not ignore the fact that I also had my mistakes that's why she acted that way to me. She went mad about me and created a tendency to ignore me. I can't control it. I couldn't. And I wouldn't.

And in case you'll be reading Holding on or letting go? Please pardon my emotions. Maybe I went off too emotional about it. But I was still finding the light beyond my problems and mistakes. Hidden behind me is myself trying to forgive and forget what had done and to face new challenges again instead of dwelling on it again.

This time I'll try to be better. And this time I'll be sweeter.

Holding on or letting go?

2008-01-17T19:58:00.000-08:00

The biggest question I fear most...

I've been through this question in my past life with someone else. It was frustrating and truly a chaotic one. I was fighting over my self that's holding on and wants to leave this f*cking place. Mentally and psychologically I was unstable. This time around I'm being asked again. Different person, different reason, but the same story. A major one.

The Breakup Test: 5 Questions to Ask Before Giving Up

I saw this in Yahoo! personals and gave it a try...this might clear things up.

Question 1: Has There Been a Major Change in My Life?

Yes, there are. Lots of things occurred in my grueling 4 months of relationship. It perhaps made clear of stuff I never really knew in love. I learned quite well and positively I grew much of a better person. But it made things that..well...made me uncomfortable in my actions towards her and other people. Perhaps it was wrong to blame her because of my family problems and suicidal tendencies (which didn't really happen because I'm still in my right sense of thinking), but those things were dragged along due to these circumstances I never realize to materialize.

Question 2: What's My Happiness Ratio?
Still, most of the time, the feeling is mutual. I tend to see her instead of my family or friends, or prioritize more about her than any other stuff I used to do. It was 89.99% happiness.

Yahoo! personals said, "A better strategy would be to adopt the 80 percent rule. Ask yourself: Am I satisfied with my partner 80 percent of the time or more? If the answer is yes, then you're working with pretty good odds. If the answer is no, you may want to consider moving on."

It was never a hundred percent pure that I was happy with her. Even the day we first got together, It never really entered my mind that "This is IT! I'll gonna marry this girl!" stuff. Maybe because I was thinking safely due to my past experience. Maybe because I never felt that feeling from her. She was seldom that enthusiastic or excited about having me, or it's just not that obvious.

Question 3: Is He/She Abusive?

What?! No abuse happened in our stay together, ever! Perhaps some suggestions tried to control some of our acts but NO. I didn't abuse her kindness to me, and pretty much the same way towards her.

Question 4: Have I Expressed My Frustration?

This is precisely the most and the biggest hindrance I have ever experienced in her. Most of the time I was blocked to express what I want to say. Well, she "listens" to it but never really digesting it. Because if she really does, none of these happens. I always talk, I always say what I feel is inappropriate, but she never seems to be interested.

Question 5: Am I Willing to Work at It?

Yes, I am. I still have this "mutual desire to work on the relationship." I still want to go the extra mile for I've been seeing the light to show the path to a better understanding, and to make us better persons. I'm still here because I believe in the potential I have and she has towards our dirty little thing called "relationship".

For filipinos only:

Sinabi niya sa akin na ginawa lang daw niyang makipagbalikan dahil hiling 'yon ng lola niya. Pero sa totoo lang daw, ayaw na daw niya. Ang labo, kasi sa mga binitawan niyang salita, gusto daw nya, at mahal pa rin daw niya ako. 'Yon ang sabi nya the day na nakipagbalikan sya sa kin. Kahapon mahal mo 'ko, ngayon hindi na. Kahapon gusto mo kong makasama, bukas ayaw mong buntot ako ng buntot sa 'yo. Sabi mo kahapon gusto mo 'to, bakit ngayon, tinatamad ka na? Ano ba talaga?

The song "Jenny" by Click Five is for you.

"Jenny" by Click Five

2008-01-17T03:29:00.000-08:00

She calls me baby, then she won't call me.
Says she adores me and then ignores me.
Jenny, what's the problem?
She keeps her distance and sits on fences.
Puts up resistance and builds defenses.

Jenny, what's the problem?
You leave me hanging on the line.
Every time you change your mind.

First You say you won't, then you say you will.
You keep me hanging on, and we're not moving on.
We're standing still, Jenny. You got me on my knees.
Jenny, it's killing me.

She needs her own space. She's playing mind games.
Ends up at my place saying that she's changed.
Jenny, what's the problem?

I'm trying to read between the lines.
You got me going out of my mind.

First, you say you won't, then you say you will.
You keep me hanging on, and we're not moving on.
We're standing still, Jenny. You got me on my knees.
Jenny, it's killing me. It's killing me. It's killing me.
Jenny.

First, you say you won't, then you say you will.
You keep me hanging on, and we're not moving on.
We're standing still, Jenny. You got me on my knees.
Jenny.

First, you say you won't, then you say you will.
You keep me hanging on, and we're not moving on.
We're standing still, Jenny. You got me on my knees.
Jenny. It's killing me. It's killing me. Jenny.

"The number you dialled is either unattended or out of coverage area"

2008-01-04T19:39:00.000-08:00

I had a haircut this morning, nothing too extravagant, nor too glamorous, just a simple one. But in the middle of the process, someone called the barber on his phone. The first call was on short notice, really quick, about 30 seconds. I don't really know, but for some reason the caller just hanged up. The barber didn't mind, and went back to work.

A minute later, someone called back, and I guess the same person as before. Another quick call, and it went off again. Now the third time, it called him again, and this time, he never answered the call. He even said, "Abala..."

Ok. You get the picture.

Several millions even billions of call happen each hour, and we dont know how important or a simple "abala" that call may be. But one major fact is what we should know.

We don't want to use another eight pesos worth of airtime load (in the Philippines), push several calories of energy to push pesky buttons, and to receive harmful radiation from radio signals just to waste a minute calling someone.

As for people being phone-called considering it as an "abala", think about it. Was it really an "abala"? We'll never know..that call could be his last call.

Word for the day: Reconcile

2007-12-26T20:51:00.000-08:00

Reconcile (re-kon-sayl)

to reconcile (third-person singular simple present reconciles, present participle reconciling, simple past reconciled, past
participle reconciled)

1. To recreate friendly relationships.
2. To make things compatible or consistent.
3. To make the net difference in credits and debits of a financial account agree with the balance.

Finally...I have reached the end of my pain...and the start of a new journey. Finally, we're together...again. It feels so good to leave all the hate behind, and to reconcile to whatever people had quarreled before.

To reconcile, as clearly stated, is to recreate friendly relationships. Friendly relationships with those you have hated before but you still really love. I hope everyone has this feeling, so we could feel good about ourselves, and to others as well.

To make things compatible and consistent. Well, that’s a good point. To avoid the hatred we have created, we must make things compatible and consistent including our attitudes and outlook in everything.

Michelle, It feels good to be back in your arms again. I made a big mistake before, and PINAGSISIHAN ko na lahat ng kasalanan ko. I am only human, and I hope you understand. I’ll be telling you this and to everyone in the world wide web reading this blog that I will love you the way you want it, and will be unconditional and balanced.

I will do my best to be, maybe not the perfect, but the best man you ever had.

Word for the day: Complicate

2007-12-14T23:49:00.000-08:00

Complicate (com-plee-keyt)

Etymology : From Latin complicatus, past participle of complicare.

1. Add difficulty or variation to; see complex.

Yup, that's my status right now. Its complicated. Its like the "or" in yes or no. It's the "between" the left between right. Its the space between what's possible and impossible. Its the complexity of an event that has simply two choices that makes something either worse or hopeful.

Why can't it be just a "yes"...or a straight N-O no! Its definitely hard to go to your destination if you go between left and right when you're facing a dead end. And you'll never know what's possible and impossible for this kind of "complication."

Where does this blog lead?! I dont know. Actually, its kinda...complicated.

Word for the day: Contemplate

2007-12-14T23:06:00.000-08:00

Contemplate (kon-tem-plate)

to contemplate (third-person singular, simple present: contemplates; present participle: contemplating; simple past: contemplated; past participle: contemplated)

1. To think about something in a concentrated manner or for an extended period of time. To think deeply about something; to ponder or consider.
2. To consider as a possibility.

Ex. I contemplated doing the project myself, but it would have taken too long.

Contemplate. I hope you have read "Word for the day #3: Intimidate" before you read through this.

I've been pondering about so many things: "How can I finish my projects?" "How can I earn my parent's trust?" "How can I win the attention of my friends (or some stuff...etc.)?" But I contemplate much on "How can I win her back?"

As I've said on "Intimidated", I found myself...I need to rethink...and reconsider. Am I that pathetic? Maybe its just my thought....maybe I can do something....maybe...maybe I can...think...think...

Word for the day: Intimidate

2007-12-14T22:32:00.000-08:00

Intimidate (een-tee-mee-date)

to intimidate (third-person singular simple present intimidates, present participle intimidating, simple past intimidated, past participle intimidated)

1. (transitive) To make timid or fearful; to inspire or affect with fear; to deter, as by threats; to dishearten; to abash.
2. (transitive) To impress, amaze, excite or induce extraordinary affection in others toward oneself.

Recently, Michelle (my ex [Dec. 14,2007]) and I converse quite a lot about what have happened after we broke up. I had so many news about her, but one highlighted it all up. She had like a gazillion of suitors right after that sad event. I got so intimidated with what I've heard.

Why intimidated? Of course I want her back in my life, But I guess I'll go where the majority goes: court her. There's this varsity player from her school, a "cute" married guy from some place, and others falling in line. I don't know if I could match their stride and fight through them until I win my ex's heart back. Upon seeing these men, I lost the heart of fighting...I might not win since these men are quite exceptional, unlike me - pathetic..

But I have to contemplate on this...

Word for the day: Apathy

2007-12-06T23:47:00.000-08:00

Apathy (a-pah-thi)
1. Complete lack of emotion or motivation about a person, activity, or object; depression; lack of interest or enthusiasm; disinterest.
2. From French apathie, from Latin apathia, from Ancient Greek "apatheia" meaning "impassibility, insensibility, freedom from emotion", from "apathes" meaning "not suffering or having suffered, without experience of", from "apatheo" that means "to be free from suffering", from "a-" (not) + "pathos" (anything that befalls one, an incident, emotion, passion).

Well, I should be feeling this right now. Complete apathy. Complete lack of emotion to a person, activity, or object. For most, its hard to think that you will lose all of your emotion to something, or perhaps, someone in just a moment. Someone who's already a part of your being. A part of your life. Now that's harder than I thought. Imagine removing all of your feelings to someone.

Let's say you're mad at someone and you want to forget him/her. So you think of ways to bring apathy up your ass. But you're still mad at that person...anger is still your emotion. Where's apathy? Where's that "loss of emotion"? You're still mad, angry, or sad. See, its weird.

We might say we lost feelings to someone when we're getting "cold" or "heartless", but do we mean it?

I know I have to leave things behind, and I must be apathetic. But I'm still mad. I'm still sad. I'm still...[i dont really know..]

Word for the day: Redemption

2007-12-06T12:26:00.000-08:00

Redemption (Re-demp-shon)
1. the act of redeeming or something redeemed
2. the recovery, for a fee, of a pawned article
3. salvation from sin
4. rescue upon payment of a ransom

There was this church here at Batangas, It was named "Redemptorist" from most church-goers..I don't really know why. I don't usually go here every sunday, but I learned it was quite relief to go here sometimes. I feel like I'm gaining things from this place.

I don't feel that that place is a church...at all. It's like a park where I could freely stay (no offenses to church-goers), It's like home where I could spiritually relax.

Redemptorist. Redemption. Like a recharger of a battery. A rescuer of a sad-stricken heart that's bruised up from this "pain".

But I'm still redeeming myself...recovering from this kind of loss. I hope my redemption is complete.

The Heartbroken Samson

2007-08-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

Do you remember a guy named Samson? The tough guy from the bible?He had the strength of a hundred men. It was a gift,from God.

But the thing that I noticed about him was his love life. He was quite foolish about it..maybe.

First case: A Philistine with no name. He fell in love quickly with the woman and proposed to marry her. Of course,at that time,His parents were against it,since Israelites were against the Philistines. Religion stuff.
Still the wedding continued as planned.The part that really suck in this wedding is the riddle of Samson. There was this riddle that,when answered correctly,Samson will give clothing to each one of the guests. But if not,the people at the wedding will give Samson a clothing from each one of them.
Since the guests couldn't afford a clothing,pressure was poured to the wife.Threat was called,just or the freakin' answer. Through persuasive love and love the answer popped out. So thus the 30 pieces of clothing.
Samson got mad upon figuring out that the answer came from his "loving" wife. Ouch! You can't just trust her...not even love.
But then Samson decided to go back to his wife.But the worst? The lady got married to his bestman! Because they thought Samson got insanely mad with his now ex-wife. Revenge was at call,burning Philistine's hometown. Pretty much,violence hailed left and right.

Then there's Delilah. Samson got the "hots" for this girl,and the heat brought him to his death. Let me tell you why.
For 5,500 pieces of silver,Delilah has to figure out the strength behind the mighty Samson. Again,the Philistines was behind the 5,500 pieces of evil silver. For Delilah,it was quite an easy task. The stupid rather foolish Samson blurted out his deepest secret,with his head blurred by the love of Delilah. He woke up bald,and powerless.

See? He was physically great,perhaps astounding. But he was stupid at love. It was his real weakness,not the hair. But I dont really know..maybe he has this jinx in love..I hope. I hope he wasn't stupid at all. Just a real unfortunate guy. He fell in love two times,expecting to be loved in return. But sadly,He never really got to. Instead,he was cheated,and tricked.
Personally,I felt his pain. He wanted to be loved as much as I do. I wasn't as strong as a hundred men,but love,too,was my weakness. Love blurred my head,blinding me through the darkest side of love. I went beyond the letters L,O,V and E. I was out of line. And I too was tricked. Was cheated. I felt used,I felt abused,and I felt weak. Did Samson felt the same way? Hmmm...I dont know.
But the story didn't end there. Days passed and his hair grew back,as well as his power. He asked God for it. And for the last time he showed his might,pushing the pillars of Philistines' temple,crushing them,including the heartbroken Samson.
I just hope my "hair" also grows back again. To bring back my strength,but now,to love again. I,too,was powerless. I ask God to regain my lost hair..and my lost strength. Not as a revenge,but to bounce back to my lost self. The strength to love again.