I'm here...at the office...and I'm feeling not so good.

Last month I just got my appraisal, and it wasn't good at all. My boss thinks I don't exert effort and I lack team spirit (which is of course against my opinion...). He said he'll be giving me a chance to see if I will change. Crap.

Well, aside from the fact that few little steps more and I'm off this office, there's this small underlying meaning to all this feeling in this crammed office chair, this messed office table, and this air conditioning that smells like mold. This office feels so empty. Recently I felt so invisible and too distant with my co-workers. My boss rarely asks me for something work related, my other workmate now acts serious on me...kind-of-like he fools around with my other workmates and then the other second when he faces me he gives me this poker face, just like nothing happened. I recently felt left behind.

I talked to one of my colleagues, and he knew what my problem is. He's been noticing this awkwardness. He told me things like I always go early out of work, I no longer join them in their drinking sessions, he also said I was so silent (huh?) and the list goes on. I just don't get it. Do I have to do all those stuff? I mean, I have girlfriend that also needs attention...Office is NOT just my life. I also have to rest, and not spend too much...you know. This just blew me away.

Now I'm opting to leave. I was thinking I am to stay longer in this place, it'll just drag me more to a lonely, lonely place called "The Office". It's not that I hate my job. It's just frustrating. All these work...It isn't paying off. 300 dollars a month for this? I'm starting to think.

What to do.
What to do.
What to do?

Overtime at the office...for some reason.

I'm still here at the office, with my co-workers having our too-late dinner in our styro take out, thanks to the nearby Andok's. We're spending late nights recently to catch up to our proposed construction plan.

And I'm having overtime for some reason...quite sad, actually.

Nasayang Lang Lahat (All Hopes Gone)

...and no, its not a line from a song. Nor it is a title of a song.

All my efforts boiling down to just nothing?! How disappointing was that! My only desire is to follow my heart, but it looks like my own heart is trying to evade me. Ginawa ko na yung lahat ng alam kong mali, yung masama...I broke someone else's heart just to...break my own heart...?

I have no one to tell about this issue that is just a chunk of a greater issue. But all I can say is, "Sayang." I have forced my efforts to greater heights para magpaka-layo and to be with someone closest to my desire, and yet, siya nang nilapitan ang nagpalayo sa 'kin. Sayang. Sayang talaga.

Now I have to wait for 2 freakin' months living few blocks from her, yet too far, hiding from that bigger issue. Pwede naman kaming magkasama and that was the actual plan, but because of that irritating piece of sh*t, my dreams came crumbling down...nawala na, parang bula.

If anyone thinks its a third party, you're wrong. A third party is a far smaller thing than what am I grieving for. It's an opportunity of a lifetime...all disposed for a guest more important than me (sarcasm bloodily stapled here).

I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do. I had my plan, the only plan. And it's gone.